The DESR Guide to Avoiding Spoilers

Look, I get it. Star Wars has been out for a few days, and if you hear one damn word about what happens it, SPOILED. Why even bother seeing the movie? What’s the point of seeing Citizen Kane if you know (SPOILER) Rosebud is his sled? Or The Maltese Falcon if you know (SPOILER) the Falcon is fake? Or The Passion of the Christ if you know (SPOILER) Jesus dies? Or Star Trek Into Darkness if you know (SPOILER) it’s actually shitty movie?

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‘Boop’ is droid for ‘Are there spoilers?’

So how do you avoid spoilers? Never Fear, gentle reader, for I am here to help you. Follow these simple steps and you’ll remain unspoiled:

 

  1. Stay off the internet. This is probably pretty obvious, but avoiding spoilers is like a diet- you gotta be committed. Log on to the internet once, and Google a recipe for an aioli, and it autocompletes to Kylo Ren is Luke Skywalker’s sentient Aioli. See? You just read a spoiler. All because you got on the internet, you dumbass. Don’t bother seeing the movie.
  2. Throw your phone away. “But Dean,” you say, plaintively, “Can’t I just turn it off? Log out of my social media accounts?” You can. If you want spoilers. Because your BESTIE, BFF, or whatever you young folks call friends these days, they will text you. They will call you, and they will say “OMG THAT PART WHERE REY IS ACTUALLY HAN’S ILLEGITIAMATE MANDALORIAN JEDI CHILD” and spoiled. Throw it away.
  3. Move to a mountain cave. Again, possibly the obvious thing to do, but if you had done it and the steps above, you wouldn’t be reading this. So pack your crap- not anything that can be used to communicate with you outside world- and find a nice hole somewhere secluded. One word of semi-oscure caution: Make sure no time travelers have used the cave and scrawled spoilers in cave paintings on the walls. You know that’s what cave paintings, done by time-travelling trolls, to spoil movies for you. They’re on Twitter now, Time machines in the future. And, technically, the past.
  4. Cut off all human contact. And I mean all. You have a spouse? They would love NOTHING more than to spoil it for you. You have tickets for it tomorrow? As you’re drifting off to sleep, they will whisper Snoke is really a giraffe and, boom, twist is spoiled. Say goodbye to your kids, too. Some snot-nosed classmate saw an advance screening and blabbed all over school, and as if your kid has the good sense not to come through the door screaming the entire plot. So say goodbye to you family, your friends and get to the cave.

Or you could just stop whining and see the movie.

 

[EDITED TO ADD] None of this is to say you should try to spoil a movie for someone. If you’re one of those people, stop it, you’re a dick

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